The Unwanted Role of A Widow

As I sit down to write this post and gather my thoughts, journal writings and observations on the topic of being a widow, I find myself grateful for this blog platform. It connects me to readers all over the world I can communicate with.

It is my hope in sharing this path I’ve walked and am still walking, it would offer hope and encouragement to others who are on this unwanted journey. 

I’ve decided in my posts, if applicable, to use my own raw and unfiltered journal entries. They are messy, real and have come from the dark broken places in my heart.

Grief is raw, messy and ugly before it starts getting better and you don’t have to make it look pretty.

I remember months after receiving entry to the widowhood club having to indicate my new status on a form in the doctor’s office.

Not married, but now a widow.

I learned early on in my grief as a new widow that no one really understood what that looked like except those who had unwillingly, walked before me.

I was blessed to be surrounded by women who knew and understood, who although our circumstances may have looked different,they had crawled through those first days and nights, weeks and months of trying to live and cope with grief.

With that in mind, it has not been hard to imagine what a young woman may be experiencing in the public spotlight after her husband, Charlie Kirk, was brutally assassinated.

As a widow I share a couple things in common with her.

The swift and unexpected sudden death of your spouse,and being a widow.

I’ve seen some disparaging remarks with strangers weighing in on what her grief looks like. As if she’s doing it in a right or wrong way, if she’s crying or not crying or even smiling. She has been bold in her public display of grief reminding everyone of the ugliness of his death and I can’t say I wouldn’t do the same in her position.

Look at what hate did.   Look. At. It.

Then there are all of the unsolicited, unwanted opinions while you are reeling from your loss. All while you attempt to make decisions, and take care of life that is still moving forward at an unrelenting, uncaring pace.

Let me just say, as a Christian woman I know that  God gives supernatural strength to stand, to interact with people, to engage, and do what is necessary.

Although not in the public spotlight, I stood and I spoke at my husband’s service and led my family through those dark days. The strength I had and still have, isn’t my own.

Mrs Kirks strength comes from God as she navigates so much while still in shock and I cheer for her knowing in a small way, the weight of this unwanted role, a role you didn’t ask for and didn’t want, all while trying to survive.

Opinions abound when you are widowed.

I know in the months ahead people will still come in with their own opinions on what they “think” she should do or not do or if it looks like she’s grieving and sad enough ( whatever that looks like)

The bottom line though? No one is walking in your shoes. No one understands exactly what you are going through, the daily pain you carry, the agonizing nights, brain fog and mental exhaustion, the unexpected memories that tank you, the survival mode you are thrust into…

The list goes on.

You don’t ask for this new title of widow ( or widower) there is no book to tell you how to navigate every single day you wake up to them being gone, managing a life without them.

You just take in the day and you just do what is necessary to survive.

And I have survived. I’ve lived. I’ve not given up or allowed my grief to keep me down.

I had a word for myself for 2024 and it was “thrive”. Even in my grief and loss I was determined to live, to thrive, to move forward. My husband expected me to keep living even in my pain and I did.

Just note though dear reader,  if you’re in this place, not everyone will cheer your courage to live, and to live out loud.

It makes them uncomfortable. 

They will have their thoughts and opinions on how you live. Just drown out the white noise, focus on your grief and your healing and keep moving forward.

You may not have signed up for the widowhood club but you can weep and grieve all while moving forward and taking hold of the life you still have left to live.

You deserve it, don’t hold back from it.